yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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