Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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