ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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