I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
