just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
