After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
