Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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