I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
