Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
