it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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