neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my being single is dangerous.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
