Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
