Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
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