well I can't set my house on fire every night
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You took a bar mat shot.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
