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• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought

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• (305): View more from Florida

  Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.

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• (925): View more from California

  All I want is tacobeell and your body

  (1-925): View more from California

  that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.

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• (623): View more from Arizona

  Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer

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• (231): View more from Michigan

  Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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• (613): View more from Ontario

  Her only article of clothing is an American Flag

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.

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• (858): View more from California

  Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?

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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.

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• (660): View more from Missouri

  Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing

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• (352): View more from Florida

  If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.

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