Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
