she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
