make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
