I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
