You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
