i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
