turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
