I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
