Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
