i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
