What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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