mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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