You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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