i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize