I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
