Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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