he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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