Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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