Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
