guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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