And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize