turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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