I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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