My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
