All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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