remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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