I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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