if i can run in heels then i can drive
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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