Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
