Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
