Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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