K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
