I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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