I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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