Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
