Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
