Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
