There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
In America we eat man semen.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
