no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
