do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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