i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
There's always time for handjobs
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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