make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
