Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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