can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
